Life is a funny thing. I’ve always been a logical person. Everything needed to make sense in my head and have reasons for why things were the way they were. Scientifically, I mean. Having a scientific educational background, I never used to believe in spirits, destiny, luck, or God. Having been brought up without religion of any kind, I guess I was never a spiritual person. My Dad is an atheist. And Mom, although she does go to a Christian church sometimes, never made religion part of our lives while growing up. But what’s happened over the last few months will forever change how I live my life.
Looking back, I realize that this journey came when the time was right. Had this journey started any sooner, I don’t know what would have happened, where I would be, or how I would be living. What keeps me going today is the thought of being with Ryan, our future life, love, children, and family together. And I hold on to that vision as tightly as I can to find my happiness.
A little background on myself would probably help understand what my life was like before all this began. Ever since I could remember, I was always lonely and never felt like I fit in. Even when I had friends around me, I was content for a short time. But the loneliness quickly returned. Growing up as a child and into my adulthood, friends and relationships came and went. Even close friendships ended in disappointments, and this in turn, resulted in distancing myself away from those friends. My family was never close, hardly talking when in the same room, never showing much affection for one another. In turn, I was never affectionate with people, even boyfriends. The few people who got to know me better described me as “pessimistic, dark, and cynical” with a dark sense of humor. I never went out of my way to help others as I didn’t see the point. Rather, I sometimes even took enjoyment is other people’s misery. Horrible, right? I don’t mean the type of misery that involves basic necessities of living, but things such as watching people struggle through certain projects at work, or something as simple as figuring out how to use a vending machine at the grocery store. I never found joy in other people’s happiness, but felt bitterness and jealousy for not having these things in my life.
I became used to living this way. The loneliness, the disappointments, the constant unsettledness that stayed with me through everything I did. I became so used to these feelings that I actually started to prefer living this way. I preferred staying home alone rather than going out to restaurants to meet friends. I never thought there was something wrong with me. I simply thought that it was just the way that I was and the way that it was going to be. Living alone, not meeting new people, being unsocial. Basically, living in my own bubble, alone.
How did I find friends? These series of disappointments and loneliness throughout my life instigated me to seek out outdoor activities as a catharsis – scuba diving, kayaking, white water rafting, windsurfing, cycling, etc. All sports that could be done alone. These sports did give me some respite from the loneliness, even for a short period of time when I would experience the “adrenaline high” of the specific sport I was involved in, or meet up with other people who enjoyed the same sports that I enjoyed. And through these sports, I found men to date and friends to have relationships with. The few relationships with the men and women who came into my life ended in disappointments, heartbreak or “just didn’t work out”. I learned to not expect much from people. So in the end, I was relieved for my freedom of being alone.
I accepted the disappointments as part of life and went about my days, feeling like there was something missing, as if I was constantly searching for something I could never quite put my finger on. All this started to change when I decided to sell my car and met someone who has helped me see the light.
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