Church

Because my love psychic had told me that religion would help me in strengthening my spirituality, I began looking for churches or temples to attend. Since Buddhist temples were too far, I sought out traditional Christian churches - Presbyterian, Lutheran, Methodist, Catholic, I didn't care.

She stressed that it was important for me to stay positive, have faith and belief that everything will be okay. It was emotionally draining for me to keep this positivity after living my entire life so negatively. Surprisingly, I took a liking to the discipline and the regimented lifestyle of the Catholic religion. I began to pray every night, sometimes multiple times a day, and began attending mass 3-5 times a week. When I told my love psychic how many times I was going to church, she laughed out loud and said,

"Haley, you go to church more than Christians! you're putting them to shame! Since you don't know how much is enough, you'll keep going as much as you can, right?"

She chuckled in amusement, and I felt embarrassed. =\ She was exactly right. Of course! Why wouldn't she be? Should I have any doubt? After a few months of seeing her regularly, she knew me inside out afterall.

Going to church gave me some relief from the madness of having been in the dark for so long. I felt some peace of mind and a warm comfort in my heart when I was there. I often went to church during my lunch hour, to just sit in the empty pews, and pray. Thinking about Ryan helped me get through hard days as well. I would think about how happy I was when I was with him, how I felt on the first day we spent together, laying on his chest, and walking through the park with him hand in hand.

No matter how many services I attended, every single one brought me to tears as I realized how deprived I had been, living without this in my life. I found the music beautiful and the sermons very touching. I used to think that religion was for weak people - people who needed someone or something to believe in for their sanity and life direction. How so blatantly wrong I was...

The Beginning...

Life is a funny thing. I’ve always been a logical person. Everything needed to make sense in my head and have reasons for why things were the way they were. Scientifically, I mean. Having a scientific educational background, I never used to believe in spirits, destiny, luck, or God. Having been brought up without religion of any kind, I guess I was never a spiritual person. My Dad is an atheist. And Mom, although she does go to a Christian church sometimes, never made religion part of our lives while growing up. But what’s happened over the last few months will forever change how I live my life.

Looking back, I realize that this journey came when the time was right. Had this journey started any sooner, I don’t know what would have happened, where I would be, or how I would be living. What keeps me going today is the thought of being with Ryan, our future life, love, children, and family together. And I hold on to that vision as tightly as I can to find my happiness.

A little background on myself would probably help understand what my life was like before all this began. Ever since I could remember, I was always lonely and never felt like I fit in. Even when I had friends around me, I was content for a short time. But the loneliness quickly returned. Growing up as a child and into my adulthood, friends and relationships came and went. Even close friendships ended in disappointments, and this in turn, resulted in distancing myself away from those friends. My family was never close, hardly talking when in the same room, never showing much affection for one another. In turn, I was never affectionate with people, even boyfriends. The few people who got to know me better described me as “pessimistic, dark, and cynical” with a dark sense of humor. I never went out of my way to help others as I didn’t see the point. Rather, I sometimes even took enjoyment is other people’s misery. Horrible, right? I don’t mean the type of misery that involves basic necessities of living, but things such as watching people struggle through certain projects at work, or something as simple as figuring out how to use a vending machine at the grocery store. I never found joy in other people’s happiness, but felt bitterness and jealousy for not having these things in my life.

I became used to living this way. The loneliness, the disappointments, the constant unsettledness that stayed with me through everything I did. I became so used to these feelings that I actually started to prefer living this way. I preferred staying home alone rather than going out to restaurants to meet friends. I never thought there was something wrong with me. I simply thought that it was just the way that I was and the way that it was going to be. Living alone, not meeting new people, being unsocial. Basically, living in my own bubble, alone.

How did I find friends? These series of disappointments and loneliness throughout my life instigated me to seek out outdoor activities as a catharsis – scuba diving, kayaking, white water rafting, windsurfing, cycling, etc. All sports that could be done alone. These sports did give me some respite from the loneliness, even for a short period of time when I would experience the “adrenaline high” of the specific sport I was involved in, or meet up with other people who enjoyed the same sports that I enjoyed. And through these sports, I found men to date and friends to have relationships with. The few relationships with the men and women who came into my life ended in disappointments, heartbreak or “just didn’t work out”. I learned to not expect much from people. So in the end, I was relieved for my freedom of being alone.

I accepted the disappointments as part of life and went about my days, feeling like there was something missing, as if I was constantly searching for something I could never quite put my finger on. All this started to change when I decided to sell my car and met someone who has helped me see the light.