Beautiful Feelings

It's been so long since we last saw each other. 4 weeks? maybe 5? I miss him. I imagine his hand on my leg and my head on his shoulder just like we were on the last night that we were together few weeks ago.

I think about what I felt for him last year when we spent our first few days together, and how my feelings for him have blossomed since. It's an amazing feeling. A beautiful feeling. It's beautiful how another person can change a person's life just by their presence in his/her life. And how the absence of that person can make his/her life feel so much emptier than it ever was before he/she met that person. I realize that one could never understand this feeling unless they've actually experienced this feeling for someone in their life. I've seen myself changed over the last few months with this new love and light in my life. I see how beautiful life is.... Life is beautiful. And without love and happiness in life, I see emptiness. Never in my life did I ever think, no, ever imagined that I could feel something like this. I thought I had been in love before. But nothing comes close. I feel it. I feel so sure of it.

I look at the beautiful feelings that I carry with me. And it's the source of the motivation to make the rest of my life - work, friends, family - beautiful. Once love falls into place, everything will follow. As long as I have my love psychic guiding me, I know I will find it.

A Little Happiness

All I want is simple little thing called happiness. It means different things for different people. Some people want beauty, some want fame, some want riches to attain their happiness. Some will never be satisfied. And for me, it isn't much. My love psychic tells me that what will make me happy isn't something extraordinary. On the contrary, it's VERY ordinary. I want to live in love. Nothing else matters. I don't need much money, and my health is currently in excellent condition. But what I am missing is love.

When I'm with Ryan, I feel as if nothing else matters. As if everything else, all other problems, no matter how big, are so insignificant. All that matters is that he and I are together as I feel truly content with him. I feel "whole", in a sense. Things that I see have more color, and the world just seem more beautiful. I want to yell at the top of my lungs that I feel this for him. My heart feels so full and happy that it feels as if my soul and spirit is singing. All this just from being with another person? What? Go figure, right?

I now have a better understanding of what people mean when they say that someone is a part of them and that they complete them. I feel this for Ryan. Its an indescribable feeling. Could this be what true love really is? Only someone who has actually experienced this will understand and be able to verbalize what this feels like. Could it be? Is this what being in love is like?

I realized that a big part of my true happiness is being with Ryan. And I am determined to do everything I can to make sure that I will have this in my life.

Appreciation

Ever since I started being guided by my love psychic, I've noticed many changes in myself. I've become more positive, and have noticed that I've become a lot "softer" than I was before. I even started buying flowers for myself. In the past, I would never have spent money on plants, not to mention flowers. I used to think that there was no point to buying something that would die in only a few days. Why waste the money? But over the past few weeks, I've come to really love the smell of flowers, how they look, how they make me feel. I now catch myself appreciating the beauty of nature, beautiful sunset skies, beautiful clouds, wind and waves, even birds that fly through the sky so freely. If you had known me last year this time, you would know that this wasn't me or who I was. Flowers, beautiful sunsets, beauty of birds? But maybe it really was me. But this part of me had just been repressed from how I was living before.

The Catholic mass that I attend always stresses compassion, generosity, and living in the spirit of Christ. To wish peace and love to all, whatever the skin color, religion, or tongue. I guess slowly, this has been changing me. I almost want to say that God is bringing me into the light. I feel a lot softer with people. I am letting things go more and not let it bother me so much. It seems to be important in keeping myself on course.

I want to be a better person. Not just for Ryan but for myself. But I also want to be someone that Ryan can be proud of and proud to be with. Looking back, I realize that had he come to me last year before I met my love psychic, I would have lost him forever. She also confirmed that this would have been the case.

Again, things happen for a reason. I was meant to meet my psychic, meant to meet Ryan, and I should be, actually, I am and will be appreciative of everything that I have and is to come.

True Friendship

So, here I am 5 months later. I've seen Ryan only a handful of times since the new year, and he and I haven't shared any intimate moments like the one that we shared last fall. But he and I have definitely come closer. My love psychic even had me skip a couple of the trips because of what she saw might happen. She just told me that it would be better if I didn't go. As much as I wanted to go, I stayed away as instructed. As long as I focused on the end result, I was able to handle it. Each time I saw him, I tried to be exactly as my love psychic advised that I should be for that meeting. Be aloof but not too aloof. Be nice but not too nice. And with each meeting, I could feel that he was coming closer to me. We've even had some alone time together where we were able to really talk about things like life, happiness, work, successes and disappointments. He was in a lonely place and I was able provide the companionship that he needed to lift him up. I was glad that I was able to be there for him. We began to develop a true friendship that was missing from both of our lives. And at the same time, the attraction, the passion, and the romance was there. It is all there.

Even though Ryan and I have spent some quality time together over the last few surfing trips, I still have no contact with him between our monthly group surfing excursions. But I'll be with him soon with my love psychic's guidance. He's in my thoughts everyday, and I imagine that I am in his. He and I will have a life together. The road to getting there, though, has been pretty interesting.

Christmas Surfing Fun

My love psychic advised me that with Ryan, I needed to be more reserved, not flirt with other men, and by all means, do NOT date other men because he will find out and will only push him away. I needed to be more reserved, pull away from others, talk to men but don't flirt, talk to people but not too excessively, talk to Ryan enough that he feels the bond, but not so much that it kills it. Make him feel like he is the center, but not too much, because he needs to come to me, not the other way around. Ahhhh----!! I was overwhelmed with all the information that I needed to remember the next time I saw him. I tried to make notes throughout all our sessions so that I didn't forget anything. I needed him to see me for the person that I really was, and she assured me that this would make him see me more in a positive light.

Christmas came and Keren came for a visit. We packed our boards and decided to hit our usual surf spot down south. There was a swell hitting, so it was going to be a great day! As I was pulling into the parking lot, a nice surprise waited for me. Ryan was there, standing by the car, getting ready and waiting for his friends. I hadn't seen him for a few weeks. I instantly gasped for air, my heart stopped, and my hands started to shake from nervousness. I hadn't seen him for a few weeks, and it was my chance to be next to him. I tried to remember everything that my love psychic had told me. Keren had to calm me down. I took a big breath and walked out to say hello to everyone. I stayed away from Ryan initially. I was too nervous to talk to him. I didn't want him to see me struggling for the right words to say to him. Keren went over to speak to him first. She later told me that he was gasping for air when he was talking to her. I wondered if he was feeling the same, or whether it was her imagination that he was gasping for air.

As we were heading out to the water, Ryan and I finally greeted each other. He gave me a big hug and made a joke about how I consumed massive quantities of food all the time. Food was an inside joke between us since I ate more food than he did even though he was almost a foot taller than me.

He caressed my arm whenever he got the chance like he used to as we were paddling out together. It felt so nice... I tried to remember everything that my love psychic had told me and follow her instructions. Be nice, but not too nice, be social but not too social, talk to Ryan but not too much, etc... After a day of surfing, we went for lunch. It was a small group - just 5 of us (Keren, her pseudo-boyfriend, Ryan, me, and Ryan's brother). Ryan leaned his leg up against mine like before when he felt especially affectionate with me. At the end of the day when we were packing up to leave, Ryan walked me to my car. I didn't want the day to end, so tried to keep the conversation flowing. Finally, because his brother needed to leave, he bid farewell. But before he left, he gave me a quick kiss goodbye. Even though it was just a quick one, he'd never kissed me in public before. Ever! Then as I wondered whether I would see him for New Years, he said, "I won't see you for New Years... so Happy New Year, Leelee." (Leelee was his nickname for me.)

He was coming closer to me. I could feel it. And his goodbye kiss confirmed it. I was sitting on cloud nine for the next 5 days. No one could wipe the smile off my face. Keren remarked, "Haley, you look so happy. I don't think I've ever seen you smile so much with such peace in your face before! I like it."

Bringing Him Closer

Over the last 5 months, my love psychic has given me advice on exactly how to handle things so that the outcome would be positive for me. The best analogy to describe her is that she's like a doctor, but in a spiritual sense. Much like a physical doctor, she is able diagnose, pinpoint what is wrong mentally or spiritually, get to the root of the problem, and fix it. And much like medical doctors who have specialties, mine specializes in love, dealing mainly with the matters of the heart.

Her guidance in my relationship with Ryan has been pivotal. With her, instead of wasting time trying to figure out how best to win someone over, she gave me the advantage of knowing what the situation was in order to straighten out the relationship, and help it bloom quicker. That is, if it was meant to be - like in my case with Ryan. My love psychic has advised me not only on how to best handle certain situations at work, but also how I should act around Ryan in order to make him take more notice of me, to bring him closer to me. She was able to tell me how he was feeling and how he would react to certain people or in certain situations. Remarkable, right? I'm so thankful that she's in my life right now...

Previously, when I was around him, I would try to be whereever he was - in front of him, behind him, left, right, wherever- trying to get his attention, giving him attention, doing everything I could to be close to him. I was friendly with all the men that would come around to talk to me and flirt with me in front of him. This really wasn't me. I'd rather just be off on my own reading a book or taking a walk on the beach or something. But I felt that I needed to put myself out there so that he would notice me. Over and over, I thought "These other men want me, but why doesn't he want me?" I guess I was going for the jealousy tactic without intending to do so.

Well, I found out that I had been going at this all wrong! My love psychic advised me that this only pushed him further away from me. He was already in love with me; why would I need to flaunt the fact that other men were interested in me in front of him? She explained that Ryan was not seeing me for the person that I really was because of how I had acted around him in the group setting with other men previously. Great... No wonder he wouldn't come to me... Shoot!.... I needed him to see me in a better way, for the person that I really was. Someone who would never stray, someone who he can rely on, someone who he can talk to about anything and everything, someone who has the possibility to be his life companion.

As she put it, I was "tailor made" for him; when he does come closer to me, and he and I start to grow in our relationship, he will realize that I was right for him, that I am right for him. But at this point, I needed to be very careful and be on my best behavior, so that I don't MESS ANYTHING UP FURTHER! D'OH! And because I saw him only once a month if I'm lucky, I didn't have many chances to accomplish this. Double D'OH!! I needed to make sure that I did everything that she told me I should do to let him come closer.