Love Thy Neighbor

One morning a few weeks after I began to attend church, I went to Costco and bought myself 2 big bouquet of roses for myself. I used to not like flowers; “Why spend the money for flowers? They just end up dead.” I didn’t want to deal with the hassle of the cleanup or spending the money on flowers. But lately, I’d had frequent urges to bring flowers home. I love the images of nature, trees, green meadows, and wildflower fields that the fresh scent of fresh flowers remind me of.

I realized that I felt myself changed. I didn't feel as "hard" as I used to be, if that makes sense. I feel more sympathetic toward people, more forgiving and kind. I've noticed that I look at people differently now. I wanted to connect with people, rather than shutting them out like I had wanted before.

I was more empathetic toward people, and definitely less harsh with people who I hadn’t had much respect for in the past. I even started leaving tips in the tip jar – which I never did before. EVER. And giving money to the homeless - I figured they needed it more than I did. I appreciated the differences in people – not just in the different race and color, but the differences in personalities, different likes and dislikes, different colors that people portrayed, I guess. I saw an endless rainbow of different people and started to appreciate the differences that those different people filled in the world. This is the way that I should always have been. Seeing people in this light gave me more comfort in my heart, more peace of mind with myself. How many billions of people in this world? So many people, each with different spirits, different likes and dislikes...different souls. I saw the world as a beautiful place.

The Christian religion says to always "Love thy neighbor". And after attending church 3 times a week for the past few months, I really want to love my neighbor. Seriously. 3 years of living in my apartment, and I've probably said total of 10 words to my neighbors. =\ Yes, I'm bad. I always kept to myself, didn't want to socialize, didn't want to deal with people bothering me or inviting me to their parties which I would never attend. All because I wanted to stay in my lonely bubble. Not anymore.

I spoke to my love psychic about this "transformation", as one might put it. She, a Catholic herself, said that it's God moving me, and bringing me into the light.

Church

Because my love psychic had told me that religion would help me in strengthening my spirituality, I began looking for churches or temples to attend. Since Buddhist temples were too far, I sought out traditional Christian churches - Presbyterian, Lutheran, Methodist, Catholic, I didn't care.

She stressed that it was important for me to stay positive, have faith and belief that everything will be okay. It was emotionally draining for me to keep this positivity after living my entire life so negatively. Surprisingly, I took a liking to the discipline and the regimented lifestyle of the Catholic religion. I began to pray every night, sometimes multiple times a day, and began attending mass 3-5 times a week. When I told my love psychic how many times I was going to church, she laughed out loud and said,

"Haley, you go to church more than Christians! you're putting them to shame! Since you don't know how much is enough, you'll keep going as much as you can, right?"

She chuckled in amusement, and I felt embarrassed. =\ She was exactly right. Of course! Why wouldn't she be? Should I have any doubt? After a few months of seeing her regularly, she knew me inside out afterall.

Going to church gave me some relief from the madness of having been in the dark for so long. I felt some peace of mind and a warm comfort in my heart when I was there. I often went to church during my lunch hour, to just sit in the empty pews, and pray. Thinking about Ryan helped me get through hard days as well. I would think about how happy I was when I was with him, how I felt on the first day we spent together, laying on his chest, and walking through the park with him hand in hand.

No matter how many services I attended, every single one brought me to tears as I realized how deprived I had been, living without this in my life. I found the music beautiful and the sermons very touching. I used to think that religion was for weak people - people who needed someone or something to believe in for their sanity and life direction. How so blatantly wrong I was...

Soulmates

I looked up the meaning of "Soulmate" on Google. This is what wikipedia says:

Soulmate is a term sometimes used to designate someone with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility. A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul – which is thought to be the ultimate soulmate, the one and only other half of one's soul, for which all souls are driven to find and join. However, not everyone who uses these terms intends them to carry such mystical connotations.

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soulmate)

Isn't it funny? This is exactly how I about feel about Ryan. Natural affinity to him. How can my feelings for him have deepened this much even though we've only spent a few days together....

With each day that passes without seeing Ryan, it feels as if my love for him grows deeper and stronger. No email, no call, or text. But I daydream about the little time that we’ve spent together and how happy I was. I imagine those moments over and over in my head as I float on cloud nine.

I used to have to look at pictures of us to feel the immense explosion of emotion in my heart. Explosion of emotion - that's the best way to describe this feeling. The kind feeling that makes your heart stops and leaves you breathless. And you're left with a warm fuzzy feeling in your stomach and all over your body. It's something I’ve never experienced before. Now, the mere thought of him, our time together, and our future life and family together leaves me gasping for air and makes my heart stop. My love psychic says that it’s my heart chakra that’s doing this – because his spirit and my spirit are intertwined. I’m unsure what chakra is or what it means, so I can’t understand why this is happening. I won't attempt to understand. All I know is that Ryan is in my heart and I hold on to him as tightly as I can until we are together.

Hope for Change

Over the course of the next 5 months since the first meeting, I saw my love psychic regularly. Several times a week in the beginning, then trimming down to once every week or two weeks. And slowly, I saw things change for the better. Work, friends, and Ryan.

Before I met her, I was left to make assumptions about how and why things were the way they were. With her, I was able to find out exactly what was going on at work, with coworkers, with friends, with family, and especially with Ryan. And she was able to see what I needed to do in order to gain a positive outcome.

Regarding Ryan, she told me that he and I had had a prior life connection. This is why we were so comfortable with each other from the beginning - because we had been together in a prior life. No wonder...! Why else would I feel an instant comfort with him from the moment that we met? I felt as if I had known him for years even though we had spent only a few days together. I found out that he and I were destined to be together as our spirits were already intertwined. But I needed my love psychic's help to let this destiny unfold, or I would lose the opportunity to be with him permanently.

Through my love psychic, I found out that there is such thing as “love at first sight” and that Ryan and I were soulmates. SOULMATES!?!?? I never thought there was such a thing. But as I listened to her description of what that meant and the feelings that one will experience for their soulmates, it was exactly what I felt for Ryan. The "explosion" of emotion that I felt when I was next to him... I had never felt this for anyone else before in my life. And to think that I would have just let this go had I not met my love psychic.

He was my soulmate! I HAD to make this work. I couldn't give up! With each session with my love psychic and as I saw change, I gained hope that I would have the happiness that I was meant to have. And to me, happiness meant having Ryan to come home to. I need to fight to have this in my life. I cannot live without it, or let this opportunity pass. And my love psychic would guide me to find the right path.

Lifeline

When I returned from this last trip, I was so happy that Ryan and I had a chance to be intimate, but at the same time, I was left utterly confused. I couldn't understand how he could be intimate with me, but still stay with his girlfriend. I missed him so much that I physically felt sick. True heartache that I'd never experienced before. I cried for days because I didn't hear from him. The next few pre-planned trips got canceled due to weather, so I wasn't able to see Ryan. And I felt that I couldn't call him because I didn't have any claim on him. He was still with someone else. I lost all energy for work, life, cycling, and any other distractions, and fell deep into confusion, loneliness, and void.

In September, I got a promotion to management. But my promotion came at a time when I had lost all motivation for work, for love, and for life in general. My boss noticed my dismay at work, and my lack of motivation and focus. And I subsequently had a poor performance review. And the worst thing was that I didn't care. I started to go in late and leave early, did the least amount of work possible to get by, and often sat in my bedroom, crying about my life, work, Ryan, everything, feeling sorry for myself and confused.

This is when I decided to sell my car in an attempt to find a little clarity and peace of mind. This is how I came to meet my love psychic. Here is how the story continues.

Fall Distractions

4 long weeks passed without a word from Ryan. I shoved my feelings aside and tried to spend as much time as possible with other people. Distractions, distractions, distractions. I needed them in order to not to think about him. It didn't work though. I was back to being numb, and missed him terribly.

Then in the fall, Ryan began to organize monthly surfing trips down the California and Baja coast for all the local surfers that he knew. I was excited again. This was my chance to see him. Because he hadn't called or kept in contact, I knew that he felt guilty about having been close with me even though he was already committed to someone else. I had tried to cope as much as possible by spending time with other people surfing. It was my chance to let him see that I was okay with the way that things were and that I was happy. That I was getting over him. I didn't want him to see me down. I was going to stay strong, and keep up a wall so that he couldn't get to me.

The morning of the first group trip, once again, I went through several outfits, trying to pick out something that I thought he would like. I settled on black casual yoga pants and a black fitted t-shirt. I even wore perfume. When I saw him, he was talking to another group of people. When he saw me, he nodded and grinned, but continued talking to his group. When I saw that he was finished, I walked over to him to say hello.
"Leelee, you look so good! How've you been?" with a giant smile and glow on his face. I thought, "Good, I picked the right outfit."
As soon as he wrapped his arms around me and stroked my hair, I melted. I couldn't help putting my arms around his waist and stay in his embrace. Whatever wall I had put up to keep my feelings from coming back crumbled. I wanted him with me, his hands on me, and his lips on mine. I wanted to take him home with me that second and talk to him for hours about what I'd been doing, how I'd spent my days as well as listen to everything that he had been doing during the time that we were apart. But I held back. Tried to stay in control. He was still with his girlfriend so I could not get carried away, especially when there were so many other people around. I reluctantly left early that weekend since I had carpooled with one of the guys. I told myself that it was good for me to be away from him, that I needed to stay strong and not fall for him again.

I saw Ryan again couple weeks later when he organized another trip in time for a swell. This time, I drove myself. When I saw Ryan, I felt an even bigger sexual tension between us. He stroked my arm whenever he was next to me, and I melted with each touch. We paddled out together and caught some great sets. And at the end of the evening, Ryan and I sat with everyone by the bonfire. He leaned his leg up to mine as he looked into my eyes adoringly. I felt hypnotized by his eyes and imagined his hands on me. Since everyone had eaten, Ryan suggested that we get some quick fast food dinner and drinks for the bonfire.
"Okay, sure. Sounds good," I answered casually, trying not to sound too eager, even though my heart was jumping out of my chest.

When we got to the drive-through window, I leaned over to his side to order. Just as I was finishing my order, he unexpectedly kissed me. Short, quick one, but I was still taken back. Did he just do that? I looked into his eyes and smiled. I stared at his lips and back on his eyes. And he said with his usual sarcastic smirk, "What, you want another?" I nodded, and he leaned in slow. He kissed me soft at first. Gentle. Then suddenly stronger and fiercer. It was the most passionate kiss that we had shared up to that point. It was as if he never kissed me before. And truthfully, we never had kissed this way before. We went to the grocery store to get drinks, but never made it back to the bonfire where the others were waiting for drinks. We "parked" at a secluded spot and enjoyed each other for half the night. Few hours later, he dropped me off at my car and he slept in his.

Midsummer Night's Dream

Weeks past. It was agony, but I tried to deal. I felt numb - just going through the daily routine of life, but not really feeling. I tried to shove my feelings aside and get him out of my head. I tried to keep sane by cycling for hours, often times, sobbing during my rides, repeating to myself, "He’s already taken, I don’t have a chance. He's never going to leave her.”

Around middle of summer, large group of friends had organized a week-long surfing trip down to Mexico. There was going to be 50+ people on this trip. I thought it would be a good way for me to meet new people and keep myself distracted. I knew Ryan was going. I had planned on going but hadn't made plans for driving arrangements yet. And out of the blue, Ryan called me to carpool together, because his original carpool buddies had bailed on him. A flood of emotion rushed back at the first sound of his voice. After being numb for the past few weeks, I felt alive again. My mind was yelling out, "YES YES YES!", but I tried to control my excitement, paused, and answered casually, "Ah, that's not a bad idea. Sure, okay."

I arrived at his house to carpool early that Saturday morning. I was nervous. I picked out a mini skirt and a halter top for our first meeting in weeks. When we saw each other, it was as if we had never taken any time apart. Same insane chemistry, same comfortable silence, same goosebumps on my skin when he touched my skin. On our 5 hour drive to our surf spot destination, he caressed my hair, neck and bare back as I leaned on his shoulder the entire time. I was so happy that I had an entire week to be with him.

Over the next 7 days, although we slept in different tents, we spent every evening together before retreating to our tents. Even when we mingled with other people on the trip in the evenings, we stayed close to each other, talking to people together and getting to know them together. It felt like we were a couple. Every evening before turning in for the night, we took time to unwind to talk about our day. Sometimes, we had a bonfire and sometimes, just the moonlight. Sometimes we talked, and other times, we said nothing at all and just enjoyed our presence with each other. He often caressed my hair & back as I stroked his arm and chest during our evenings or car rides together. I felt my feelings reawaken and start to grow again.

However, he did manage to hurt me that week. I knew that people, especially women, noticed the closeness between us. When people asked him whether he and I were an item, he would fervently deny it and would tell them that I was single and available. So, men would approach me. But I was confused. The only person that I wanted was Ryan, but he was letting everyone know that I was available and should ask me out. Sigh.... I tried to keep it out of my thoughts and just enjoy our time together.

Our final day together came. I wanted to throw up at the thought of being away from him again. I had gotten used to seeing him first thing in the morning, having him around for company, and seeing him just before I slept. When will I see him again? Will he call? ... And he was still with his girlfriend. Sigh....

I slept half the drive back while he slept the other half. When we got back, he gave me a big hug, and we parted very casually. My heart ached as I drove away, but I tried not to show it. I didn't know when I would see him again. But I reminded myself that he was still with his girlfriend - unhappily, but still together with her. I cried that night. Again.

Second Date

We got together again second time to go surfing again a few days later. This time, we met on a weekend. We had the same amazing chemistry, easy conversations, and a comfort with each other as if we had been together for a long time. We had another great day of surfing, cheering each other on as we each caught wave after wave, and talking about our lives when waiting for a set to come in.

When we were driving home that day, we enjoyed the comfortable silence between us, tired from a full day of surfing. I had my head on his lap and was caressing his free arm when he said,

"You know, it's funny. It feels like we've been together for a long time, doesn't it?"
"Yea, it does...." I whispered as I studied his face and thought the same thing.
"Drive slower, Ryan... can you?" I asked in a tired voice. I wanted to prolong our time together. He knew what I meant.

As we got closer to our meeting spot in the morning where I had left my car, my stomach squirmed at the thought of being away from him once again.

At that moment, he said, "Oops! I almost took you home with me..." as he drove past his exit toward our morning meeting spot.
"Why don't you?" I said. I wanted to be with him so badly.
As he stroked his hand across my cheek, he said, ".... I want to take you home and not come up for air for 3 days."

I imagined being with him and said, "Hey, I have an idea. Why don't we go away for a weekend together? It would be fun."
He looked at me, and his peaceful face turned to a serious one as he contemplated. He finally said, "... I just can't right now..." I winced at his answer and tears immediately welled up in my eyes as the lump in my throat got bigger. I had to look away so that he wouldn't see my eyes. I didn't want him to see me cry.

He saw my disappointment and tried to cheer me up with, "Let's imagine, if we were to go, where would we go?" I didn't reply. I couldn't speak as I tried to hold back my tears.

When we reached our morning meet spot, he stopped the car and sighed. I could see the confusion in his eyes. I climbed into his lap and started to kiss him on his neck and lips. He kissed me back, then all of a sudden, he said, "no no no no no... I can't. I can't." I let him free to unload our gear, and cried as I watched him begin to repack his car. We were going to be apart again. I didn't want to let him go; I wanted to take him home with me. He had confessed to me that he was unhappy in his relationship. But why wouldn't he leave her? I didn't understand. In that long 2 minutes, I came to the conclusion that if he really wanted me, he would leave her.

When done repacking everything, he called for me. When I reached him between our cars, he put his arms around me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held tight. I took a big breath and managed to squeeze out, "I don't think I can keep seeing you, Ryan.... I'm going to end up hurt....its too painful." He looked at me adoringly, but with confusion and sympathy. He sighed and said, "I understand."

I painfully pulled myself away from him, got into my car hesitantly and drove away first. And that was it.... I cried all night that evening.

It felt so wrong to be away from him.

Over the next few days, I tried to listen to my head and tell myself that I shouldn't be seeing someone who is already taken and wasn’t going to leave his girlfriend for me. "He's just not worth it!" I thought.

But my feelings for him was so strong that at the end, I wanted to be with him no matter what. Whether he was with another woman or not, I wanted him next to me. Is that crazy?

I couldn't understand how I could want so badly even if that person was with someone else. But it wasn't in a dirty way. It was more of the emotional connection that I wanted to preserve with him. I emailed him, asking to get together again. We tried to organize another day to spend together again a few more times, but weather never cooperated and nothing materialized. After this, the calls and the emails between us stopped.

First Kiss

After that weekend in San Diego, Ryan and I began to exchange emails. Silly emails about what we were doing that day or what we were wearing. There was definitely sexual tension building between us. Typical email exchange would go:

"Pssst! are you awake?" he'd write.
"hey you... missed you sleeping. Just woke up..." I would reply.
"ooh! what did you wear to bed?"
"just some black b&p's"
"mmm.... I can imagine that.... black lace? will you wear it for me?"

...and yada yada yada.

The email exchanges went on this way for weeks. He made me feel sexy. I began to dress better and eat better. I began to feel better and perform better at work. I saw color in my world, rather than the usual black and white. My wardrobe to work went from t-shirts, capris, and slippers to blouses, pencil skirts, and high heels. I also began shopping for lingerie, spending hundreds of dollars on what I thought he would like. Prior to meeting Ryan, I’d never bought lingerie for myself, even when I was in serious relationships. But when I thought about Ryan, I wanted to make sure that I looked sexy for him wherever I was going – even though I wasn’t sure when I would see him again.

Finally, we decided to get together to go surfing at San Onofre on a weekday. Just the two of us. I couldn't wait to see him. I was so excited. I took the day off. I must have spent hours in front of the mirror, trying to decide what to wear that day. When we finally met, I felt instant comfort with him. On our drive to the surf spot, he caressed my hair the entire way there. We talked about work, life, things we liked and disliked, etc... It was just so easy to be with him. I remember him telling me that it was “refreshing” to be with me because of what he was going through with his girlfriend. I was glad to be able to provide comfort for him, but I tried not to let the girlfriend factor bother me. Nothing wrong with 2 friends, going surfing together... The chemistry was undeniable. We both felt comfortable with each other, felt close enough to touch each other, give frequent hugs and kisses. It was as if we had been with each other for a long time, even though we had known each other for only a few days.

At the end of that first day, I didn’t want to let him go. My stomach squirmed at the thought of being away from him. After we got back to the car and I put my surfboard back in my car (we had carpooled), I climbed into the driver side seat and waited for him to come by. He kissed me good bye quickly on the lips. I was surprised; his kiss left me wanting so much more. So I looked into his green eyes and asked him for another. He leaned in, and this time, I held his face close to mine and kissed him with all my heart. As soon as I felt his tongue in my mouth, he pulled away quickly and said, "Shit, now I did it! F... Shit... "

He was shocked we shared this kiss, and quickly retreated to his car to leave. As he drove away, he said, "Drive carefully, Leelee."

I cried all the way home. The explosion of emotions was something that I’d never felt before with anyone. I felt my heart full of indescribable emotion, but I was sad to be apart from Ryan. My heart literally ached from driving away from him, and at the same time, it felt so full that I thought it was going to burst. All I wanted at that moment was to take him home with me, to be next to him. The thought that this could be love never entered my mind. I just knew that I wanted to be with him.

Meeting Ryan

Have you ever had that feeling where a mere thought of a person makes your heart stop and leaves you breathless? We see the expression “Love at First Sight” mentioned in many movies and books. I disregarded the expression as something that doesn’t exist in real life. Are some people really meant for each other from the moment that they’re born? It doesn’t make scientific, logical sense. I always believed that love needed to grow and develop, and doesn’t “automatically” happen like in fairy tales. All this changed one day in May of 2008.

I’ve thought about Ryan every day since the first day that he and I met. He's the first thing I think about in the mornings when I wake up and the last thing I think about in the evenings when I go to sleep. (Yea, corny, I know.) All my memories of the time that he and I have spent together are still crystal clear while my time with other men in my life has faded or has long been forgotten.

When I met Ryan, I was living in my dark, lonely bubble. Although I was trying desperately to break out of it, I found myself unhappy about my life, job, and the absence of a true life partner that I longed to have in my life permanently. The first day that Ryan and I spent together, I felt relief and some healing from that loneliness and the frustration that I felt from this life. But what I found later was that we were actually healing each other by being with each other.

***********************************************

I met Ryan while on a surfing trip to San Diego in May of last year. I had been free of my last 2 year relationship for the past 5 months, and was still dealing with the change in my lifestyle - the freedom, the loneliness, surfing, doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted without thinking about what the other person would think. I had seen and heard about Ryan from pictures that my surfing buddies had of him. And I didn't think much of it when I saw them.

The first morning in San Diego, Ryan came to the house that we were staying at. I remember that he came in to greet the group and walked right past me without saying a word. I was a little intimidated, I admit. He was tall and nice looking. But I quickly dismissed it and thought, “eh, another typical guy.” At that time, I was dating someone else anyway - another surfer who lived in Hawaii.

During the morning get-together where we all got ready for a great day of surfing, Ryan made jokes about me not being prepared. Yes, I forgot to bring wax, extra leash, and booties (I hate walking over the tiniest of rocks!). Oops...! So what? It felt a little like he was singling me out to get my attention, and I felt butterflies in my stomach because of it. During the van ride to our secret surf spot (well, maybe not-so-secret), I remember staring at the back of his head from the back seat, hoping that he would turn his head so that I could get a glimpse of his face. Maybe it was his jokes or the flirting? I was unsure why I was drawn to him. And every now and then, I would get a glimpse of his face when he would turn around to explain certain things that we needed to be aware of when surfing the particular break that we were headed to. My stomach did flips each time I thought he was looking at me.

Throughout that weekend, as we spent more time around each other, I found that we had incredible chemistry. During lunch the next day, I found myself studying Ryan’s face rather than eating. He had the most beautiful green eyes. Because the sun was shining directly on his face, I could see his eyes very clearly. Deep green with small yellow dots. They were beautiful. In the past, I had always been attracted to men with green eyes and dark hair. Was it just a coincidence that Ryan just happen to have dark hair and green eyes?

We flirted with each other like 2 little kids, trying to get each other’s attention by hitting or teasing each other. When I dozed off next to him, he would put his hand on my head and caress my hair. When we touched, I felt electricity and goosebumps through my body, just like how I'd read in books. I thought, "What the... is this really happening?" It made me wonder whether he did this with everyone or whether he felt something real too.

When everyone was packing up to go home on Sunday, I had hoped that Ryan would stay longer, so that we could spend more time together. But he began to pack up for his trip back, so I started packing up as well. When he got into his car to drive back, I noticed that he paused and sat there for a few minutes. And I saw this as a chance for last conversation before we parted. We exchanged numbers and I immediately caught him leaving a dirty message on my voicemail. Something that I would find funny. We exchanged some laughs, he gave me some trident fruit flavored gum, and we parted. By the way, I kept those pieces of gum for the next 3 months on my counter. Even when I cleaned my counter, I left them. Ridiculous, right?

We talked on the phone with each other all the way home. I remember thinking that I could have talked to him all night. I began to miss him already and didn’t want to get off the phone. But eventually, he got off the phone to get gas, and never called me back.

Second Visit With My Love Psychic

I went back to see my psychic for the second time a few days later. This time, I brought a picture of my family and Ryan. Ryan is someone that I'd made a connection with last spring through surfing. He was someone that I thought about. A lot. But he was already in a relationship, so I had given up on any hope for him and me.

I handed her the pictures that I had brought. I was, again, shocked when she began to explain things about my family just from looking the picture that I had brought. She told me things about the dynamics of my family that only I would know. She said that my family was not close, that we did not communicate much, and that my childhood was not one that showed a lot of care and affection throughout. All true. My Mom was always there to make sure that I was fed, was clothed, and did my homework, obviously, but emotionally, I never got much support from them. I was left to fend for myself and figure things out on my own in this respect.

When she looked at the picture of Ryan, she paused, closed her eyes, thought for a few seconds, and finally said,

“Well, obviously, you’re in love with this person.”

I immediately burst into tears once again. Up until this point, I had been in denial of what I was feeling for Ryan. I had been trying so hard to suppress my feelings and shove it aside so that I could try to be happy with someone else. When she said these words, I couldn't hold it in any longer. She had just reaffirmed the fact that I was failing miserably in trying to forget about him. She went on to say that he was also in love with me too, but that he may not realize it because he wasn't seeing the real me. Plus, he was in a relationship that he was already used to. To him, it was familiar and comfortable.

When I heard this, I was hit with a wave of emotion. I saw some hope in being with Ryan because he wasn't in love with his girlfriend. But at the same time, I was crushed to hear that he didn't see the real me. And as a result, he didn't see me as someone that he could be with long term. My love psychic reassured me that she could help change this.

Glimmer of Hope

I met my psychic during a very unhappy time in life. Who knew that selling my car would lead me to meeting a psychic who would become so involved in my life.... I came to find out that she specialized in love, dealing with issues such as reuniting lovers, improving relationships, helping find soulmates, preserving marriages, etc... I call her my love psychic as she has been guiding me through not only my love life, but all other areas of my life - career, family, friends, etc....

Prior to meeting her, I was in a constant battle of trying to pull myself out of confusion from life. In an attempt to find some clarity, I had decided that change of scenery might pull me out of this rut. I had begun interviewing for jobs in other cities, looking for things in my possession to sell with the plan of leaving the country to travel for a while. I knew I needed a change. I couldn't keep living the way that I was - living in a constant limbo, with no energy for life, no love, and no happiness.

When I arrived at her office and saw her for the first time, I was still very skeptical. The thought of seeing a psychic was so far-fetched from my mind that I questioned why I was even there. But as she started telling me about certain things in my life that absoulutely no one could know about, how I felt during certain episodes in life, and what my current situation was, I burst into tears as I felt someone finally understood what I was feeling and going through. She also mentioned Ryan during my visit - that there was someone that I was connected with but that he was already involved with someone else. She spoke as if she knew what I was all about. I was in shock. Speechless. She also told me that the good spirits had guided us together to meet, that our meeting didn't happen by chance, and that she was meant to help me. She assured me that she could truly help, giving me a glimmer of hope.

Serendipitous Connection

In November last year, I put my car up for sale and instantly got calls from all over the country, even a couple from Europe. Because it was a collector's car and I kept it in pristine condition, I knew I'd be able to sell it right away. After showing the car to a couple of interested parties, I still hadn't sold my car. Main reason being that I didn't want to sell my car to someone who would not care for it as much as I did. I had grown a bit attached to my car after having babied it for so long.

Why did I buy have this car in the first place, you ask? Well, the last person that I had dated was into cars. Cars and surfing - those were his obsessions. And because I had been with him for a couple of years, I adopted his enthusiasm for them as well. It worked well enough - we were able to do almost everything together - all that involved cars or surfing. When he and I broke up, the car and surfing stayed with me.

So back to the story. Because I was so put off by the people who had come to see my car and giving me lowball offers, I thought about pulling my car off the market when I got a call from Charlie, my love psychic's husband, who was hunting for a classic car exactly like mine. He came by to take a look at my car and instantly loved it. I liked him from the beginning and ended up selling it to him at a lower price than I originally wanted, because I knew that he would take care of my car. Couple days after I handed over the keys to Charlie, I received a voicemail message from Charlie's wife inquiring about where to maintain the car. I called her back, but her voicemail box was full, so I texted her my mechanic’s information to her.

That following Monday at the end of my day at work, I received a call back from her. I was happy to speak to her about the mechanic that had maintained my car for the past 2 years. But during the phone call, she began to tell me that she knew what I was going through and verbalized exactly how I had been feeling about life - the confusion, the loneliness, the disappointments, my plan to try to leave, all down to the tee. I immediately burst into tears. I was shocked that she knew these things that I had never told anyone. She explained that she was a psychic and wanted to see me immediately to help.

I was suspicious, of course. How could she have known all this? Is she for real? A psychic? They're not for real. Right? But she knew exactly how I had been feeling - the confusion, huge emotional swings, loneliness, void, depression. I decided to see her and left work promptly that evening.

Story continues with Serendipitous Connection

The Beginning...

Life is a funny thing. I’ve always been a logical person. Everything needed to make sense in my head and have reasons for why things were the way they were. Scientifically, I mean. Having a scientific educational background, I never used to believe in spirits, destiny, luck, or God. Having been brought up without religion of any kind, I guess I was never a spiritual person. My Dad is an atheist. And Mom, although she does go to a Christian church sometimes, never made religion part of our lives while growing up. But what’s happened over the last few months will forever change how I live my life.

Looking back, I realize that this journey came when the time was right. Had this journey started any sooner, I don’t know what would have happened, where I would be, or how I would be living. What keeps me going today is the thought of being with Ryan, our future life, love, children, and family together. And I hold on to that vision as tightly as I can to find my happiness.

A little background on myself would probably help understand what my life was like before all this began. Ever since I could remember, I was always lonely and never felt like I fit in. Even when I had friends around me, I was content for a short time. But the loneliness quickly returned. Growing up as a child and into my adulthood, friends and relationships came and went. Even close friendships ended in disappointments, and this in turn, resulted in distancing myself away from those friends. My family was never close, hardly talking when in the same room, never showing much affection for one another. In turn, I was never affectionate with people, even boyfriends. The few people who got to know me better described me as “pessimistic, dark, and cynical” with a dark sense of humor. I never went out of my way to help others as I didn’t see the point. Rather, I sometimes even took enjoyment is other people’s misery. Horrible, right? I don’t mean the type of misery that involves basic necessities of living, but things such as watching people struggle through certain projects at work, or something as simple as figuring out how to use a vending machine at the grocery store. I never found joy in other people’s happiness, but felt bitterness and jealousy for not having these things in my life.

I became used to living this way. The loneliness, the disappointments, the constant unsettledness that stayed with me through everything I did. I became so used to these feelings that I actually started to prefer living this way. I preferred staying home alone rather than going out to restaurants to meet friends. I never thought there was something wrong with me. I simply thought that it was just the way that I was and the way that it was going to be. Living alone, not meeting new people, being unsocial. Basically, living in my own bubble, alone.

How did I find friends? These series of disappointments and loneliness throughout my life instigated me to seek out outdoor activities as a catharsis – scuba diving, kayaking, white water rafting, windsurfing, cycling, etc. All sports that could be done alone. These sports did give me some respite from the loneliness, even for a short period of time when I would experience the “adrenaline high” of the specific sport I was involved in, or meet up with other people who enjoyed the same sports that I enjoyed. And through these sports, I found men to date and friends to have relationships with. The few relationships with the men and women who came into my life ended in disappointments, heartbreak or “just didn’t work out”. I learned to not expect much from people. So in the end, I was relieved for my freedom of being alone.

I accepted the disappointments as part of life and went about my days, feeling like there was something missing, as if I was constantly searching for something I could never quite put my finger on. All this started to change when I decided to sell my car and met someone who has helped me see the light.