Midsummer Night's Dream

Weeks past. It was agony, but I tried to deal. I felt numb - just going through the daily routine of life, but not really feeling. I tried to shove my feelings aside and get him out of my head. I tried to keep sane by cycling for hours, often times, sobbing during my rides, repeating to myself, "He’s already taken, I don’t have a chance. He's never going to leave her.”

Around middle of summer, large group of friends had organized a week-long surfing trip down to Mexico. There was going to be 50+ people on this trip. I thought it would be a good way for me to meet new people and keep myself distracted. I knew Ryan was going. I had planned on going but hadn't made plans for driving arrangements yet. And out of the blue, Ryan called me to carpool together, because his original carpool buddies had bailed on him. A flood of emotion rushed back at the first sound of his voice. After being numb for the past few weeks, I felt alive again. My mind was yelling out, "YES YES YES!", but I tried to control my excitement, paused, and answered casually, "Ah, that's not a bad idea. Sure, okay."

I arrived at his house to carpool early that Saturday morning. I was nervous. I picked out a mini skirt and a halter top for our first meeting in weeks. When we saw each other, it was as if we had never taken any time apart. Same insane chemistry, same comfortable silence, same goosebumps on my skin when he touched my skin. On our 5 hour drive to our surf spot destination, he caressed my hair, neck and bare back as I leaned on his shoulder the entire time. I was so happy that I had an entire week to be with him.

Over the next 7 days, although we slept in different tents, we spent every evening together before retreating to our tents. Even when we mingled with other people on the trip in the evenings, we stayed close to each other, talking to people together and getting to know them together. It felt like we were a couple. Every evening before turning in for the night, we took time to unwind to talk about our day. Sometimes, we had a bonfire and sometimes, just the moonlight. Sometimes we talked, and other times, we said nothing at all and just enjoyed our presence with each other. He often caressed my hair & back as I stroked his arm and chest during our evenings or car rides together. I felt my feelings reawaken and start to grow again.

However, he did manage to hurt me that week. I knew that people, especially women, noticed the closeness between us. When people asked him whether he and I were an item, he would fervently deny it and would tell them that I was single and available. So, men would approach me. But I was confused. The only person that I wanted was Ryan, but he was letting everyone know that I was available and should ask me out. Sigh.... I tried to keep it out of my thoughts and just enjoy our time together.

Our final day together came. I wanted to throw up at the thought of being away from him again. I had gotten used to seeing him first thing in the morning, having him around for company, and seeing him just before I slept. When will I see him again? Will he call? ... And he was still with his girlfriend. Sigh....

I slept half the drive back while he slept the other half. When we got back, he gave me a big hug, and we parted very casually. My heart ached as I drove away, but I tried not to show it. I didn't know when I would see him again. But I reminded myself that he was still with his girlfriend - unhappily, but still together with her. I cried that night. Again.