First Kiss

After that weekend in San Diego, Ryan and I began to exchange emails. Silly emails about what we were doing that day or what we were wearing. There was definitely sexual tension building between us. Typical email exchange would go:

"Pssst! are you awake?" he'd write.
"hey you... missed you sleeping. Just woke up..." I would reply.
"ooh! what did you wear to bed?"
"just some black b&p's"
"mmm.... I can imagine that.... black lace? will you wear it for me?"

...and yada yada yada.

The email exchanges went on this way for weeks. He made me feel sexy. I began to dress better and eat better. I began to feel better and perform better at work. I saw color in my world, rather than the usual black and white. My wardrobe to work went from t-shirts, capris, and slippers to blouses, pencil skirts, and high heels. I also began shopping for lingerie, spending hundreds of dollars on what I thought he would like. Prior to meeting Ryan, I’d never bought lingerie for myself, even when I was in serious relationships. But when I thought about Ryan, I wanted to make sure that I looked sexy for him wherever I was going – even though I wasn’t sure when I would see him again.

Finally, we decided to get together to go surfing at San Onofre on a weekday. Just the two of us. I couldn't wait to see him. I was so excited. I took the day off. I must have spent hours in front of the mirror, trying to decide what to wear that day. When we finally met, I felt instant comfort with him. On our drive to the surf spot, he caressed my hair the entire way there. We talked about work, life, things we liked and disliked, etc... It was just so easy to be with him. I remember him telling me that it was “refreshing” to be with me because of what he was going through with his girlfriend. I was glad to be able to provide comfort for him, but I tried not to let the girlfriend factor bother me. Nothing wrong with 2 friends, going surfing together... The chemistry was undeniable. We both felt comfortable with each other, felt close enough to touch each other, give frequent hugs and kisses. It was as if we had been with each other for a long time, even though we had known each other for only a few days.

At the end of that first day, I didn’t want to let him go. My stomach squirmed at the thought of being away from him. After we got back to the car and I put my surfboard back in my car (we had carpooled), I climbed into the driver side seat and waited for him to come by. He kissed me good bye quickly on the lips. I was surprised; his kiss left me wanting so much more. So I looked into his green eyes and asked him for another. He leaned in, and this time, I held his face close to mine and kissed him with all my heart. As soon as I felt his tongue in my mouth, he pulled away quickly and said, "Shit, now I did it! F... Shit... "

He was shocked we shared this kiss, and quickly retreated to his car to leave. As he drove away, he said, "Drive carefully, Leelee."

I cried all the way home. The explosion of emotions was something that I’d never felt before with anyone. I felt my heart full of indescribable emotion, but I was sad to be apart from Ryan. My heart literally ached from driving away from him, and at the same time, it felt so full that I thought it was going to burst. All I wanted at that moment was to take him home with me, to be next to him. The thought that this could be love never entered my mind. I just knew that I wanted to be with him.