Fall Distractions

4 long weeks passed without a word from Ryan. I shoved my feelings aside and tried to spend as much time as possible with other people. Distractions, distractions, distractions. I needed them in order to not to think about him. It didn't work though. I was back to being numb, and missed him terribly.

Then in the fall, Ryan began to organize monthly surfing trips down the California and Baja coast for all the local surfers that he knew. I was excited again. This was my chance to see him. Because he hadn't called or kept in contact, I knew that he felt guilty about having been close with me even though he was already committed to someone else. I had tried to cope as much as possible by spending time with other people surfing. It was my chance to let him see that I was okay with the way that things were and that I was happy. That I was getting over him. I didn't want him to see me down. I was going to stay strong, and keep up a wall so that he couldn't get to me.

The morning of the first group trip, once again, I went through several outfits, trying to pick out something that I thought he would like. I settled on black casual yoga pants and a black fitted t-shirt. I even wore perfume. When I saw him, he was talking to another group of people. When he saw me, he nodded and grinned, but continued talking to his group. When I saw that he was finished, I walked over to him to say hello.
"Leelee, you look so good! How've you been?" with a giant smile and glow on his face. I thought, "Good, I picked the right outfit."
As soon as he wrapped his arms around me and stroked my hair, I melted. I couldn't help putting my arms around his waist and stay in his embrace. Whatever wall I had put up to keep my feelings from coming back crumbled. I wanted him with me, his hands on me, and his lips on mine. I wanted to take him home with me that second and talk to him for hours about what I'd been doing, how I'd spent my days as well as listen to everything that he had been doing during the time that we were apart. But I held back. Tried to stay in control. He was still with his girlfriend so I could not get carried away, especially when there were so many other people around. I reluctantly left early that weekend since I had carpooled with one of the guys. I told myself that it was good for me to be away from him, that I needed to stay strong and not fall for him again.

I saw Ryan again couple weeks later when he organized another trip in time for a swell. This time, I drove myself. When I saw Ryan, I felt an even bigger sexual tension between us. He stroked my arm whenever he was next to me, and I melted with each touch. We paddled out together and caught some great sets. And at the end of the evening, Ryan and I sat with everyone by the bonfire. He leaned his leg up to mine as he looked into my eyes adoringly. I felt hypnotized by his eyes and imagined his hands on me. Since everyone had eaten, Ryan suggested that we get some quick fast food dinner and drinks for the bonfire.
"Okay, sure. Sounds good," I answered casually, trying not to sound too eager, even though my heart was jumping out of my chest.

When we got to the drive-through window, I leaned over to his side to order. Just as I was finishing my order, he unexpectedly kissed me. Short, quick one, but I was still taken back. Did he just do that? I looked into his eyes and smiled. I stared at his lips and back on his eyes. And he said with his usual sarcastic smirk, "What, you want another?" I nodded, and he leaned in slow. He kissed me soft at first. Gentle. Then suddenly stronger and fiercer. It was the most passionate kiss that we had shared up to that point. It was as if he never kissed me before. And truthfully, we never had kissed this way before. We went to the grocery store to get drinks, but never made it back to the bonfire where the others were waiting for drinks. We "parked" at a secluded spot and enjoyed each other for half the night. Few hours later, he dropped me off at my car and he slept in his.